I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
