Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
