In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have demons in me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
