Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
