I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
