I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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