i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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