Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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