I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
