shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
