I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
