If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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