mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize