he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
