theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
