I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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