New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
