I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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