The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize