my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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