She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
