I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
