his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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