Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
