I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
