I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
