I can text with my tongue
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
