saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
