If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
