Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
