Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize