don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
