had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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