These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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