Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I need to sanitize my soul.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
