I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
