i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I smell like Dick and happiness
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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