im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
