I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
