I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
