Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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