sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize