I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
