God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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