Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize