at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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