in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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