I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Less talking, more tequila
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
