i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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