No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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