I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think my vagina is haunted
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
