Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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