i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
