My boss' voice literally gives me gas
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
