Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
