i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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