Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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