I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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