No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
